Many who are estranged will have contemplated at some point how they would react upon receiving the news that their estranged parent is dying. It is natural to have considered different scenarios around death, dying or illness as a way to anticipate how you might feel if confronted with such a situation. While you can imagine how you might feel and how you would potentially handle the situation, it is hard to know how it will feel when faced with the reality of death. It is a different kind of loss to being estranged. When you are estranged, no matter how remote, there is always some level of possibility or hope while the other person is still around. The finality of death removes such possibilities. It is therefore important to recognise that parental death and bereavement, even when estranged, can be experienced as a traumatic life event.
It is probably inevitable that the news that your estranged parent is dying is likely to evoke a range of difficult and painful feelings. There might have been a time when you decided you never wanted to see your estranged parent again. Maybe now you do not know how you feel and whether you want to, or feel you should, see your dying parent. There is no formula for how you are supposed to feel or what you ought to do. With your estranged parent dying, you may well feel differently about seeing them again, especially with so many things potentially left unresolved between you. Understandably, you might seek some form of closure at a time like this. However, that is not to say this will be the case and you may feel quite the opposite about seeing your estranged parent at the end of their life. This will depend greatly on your situation and the circumstances surrounding the breakdown of your relationship.
For others, perhaps death means closure at long last and may this would offer a sense of relief. Feeling relieved about an estranged parent dying is incredibly difficult to express outwardly to others as it may be deemed as a socially unacceptable sentiment to hold. Yet, many who have estranged from a parent may silently experience similar feelings to this. The passing of an estranged parent may represent the end of the constant inner torture, anguish and guilt concerning the nature of your fractured relationship and your response to it. You might feel the grief and heartache associated with having a parent who possibly caused you harm, neglected, abandoned or rejected you. Even with this sense of relief that you no longer have to carry this around with you, this in and of itself brings a level of pain and sadness.
It could be that you feel you have already mourned the loss of your estranged parent long before facing the reality of their death. As part of being estranged, many will have already gone through a painful grieving process. There is a distinction though between the loss one experiences with estrangement versus with a bereavement though. Even if the relationship with your estranged parent appears to be utterly irreparable, with estrangement, there is no predetermined end point. However, death introduces an undeniable finality that necessitates a new form of reconciliation with the permanent loss.
Acknowledging and discussing these intricate emotions is vital for one’s well-being. Seeking support from friends, family, or professionals who can help process these feelings can be invaluable. Professional guidance, in particular, can assist in making sense of the emotions surrounding the dying estranged parent and provide a space for individuals to navigate this complex and often isolating experience. Ultimately, allowing oneself the space to grieve, whatever the emotions may be, is an essential step toward healing during this challenging time.
REFERENCES:
Living Beyond Loss: Death in the Family. (2004). United Kingdom: W.W. Norton.
Agllias, K. (2016). Family Estrangement: A Matter of Perspective. United Kingdom: Taylor & Francis.