Dr Sam Barcham Life is a journey filled with a myriad challenges, but few are as emotionally taxing as the decision to stop contact with a parent struggling with alcoholism. When faced with the realisation that maintaining a relationship is no longer sustainable or healthy, adult children find themselves entangled in a web of emotions, guilt, and conflicting loyalties. In this article, I will explore the challenges and complexities that arise when deciding to break away from an alcoholic parent.
An Emotional Rollercoaster
One of the first hurdles in cutting ties with an alcoholic parent is grappling with expectation and need for unconditional love. The importance of family bonds and connections make it difficult for individuals to acknowledge that maintaining a connection with a parent in the throes of addiction may be detrimental to their well-being. The conflict between the longing and need for family ties and one’s personal well-being can lead to guilt, shame, and a profound sense of isolation.
Growing up with an alcoholic parent is a tumultuous experience, marked by broken promises, emotional neglect, and a constant undercurrent of instability. Children inherently look to their parents for love, guidance, and support, creating a vision of what a parent should be. For those with alcoholic parents, such expectations remain largely unmet, giving rise to a deep sense of loss and yearning.
The decision to cease contact with a parent is not a snap decision but rather, it is a gradual realisation that often comes after enduring years of emotional turmoil. Adult children of alcoholics have often grappled with a spectrum of emotions, ranging from anger and resentment to profound sadness. The complexity lies in understanding that it is okay to feel conflicting emotions – love for the parent, but also a need to protect oneself from the negative impact of addiction. The struggle to establish healthy boundaries and prioritise one’s well-being over the needs of the addicted parent can be overwhelming.
Another intricate facet of going no contact with an alcoholic parent is breaking free from the cycle of enabling. In some cases, adult children may have found themselves inadvertently supporting their parent’s addiction by providing financial assistance, covering up their behaviour, or repeatedly rescuing them from the consequences of their actions. Realising the need to step back and allow the consequences of the parent’s actions to unfold can be a challenging but necessary step in the healing process.
The decision to sever ties with an alcoholic parent can be met with a degree of judgment and misunderstanding. Friends, relatives, and even mental health professionals may not fully grasp the complexities of the relationship, deepening that sense of isolation and stigmatisation. Hence, finding compassionate support from understanding individuals or support groups is crucial in navigating this challenging path.
The Complexities of Grief
When deciding to stop contact, adult children often mourn not only the loss of the present relationship but also the absence of the nurturing, supportive parent they may have never had. Accepting that the parent may never overcome their addiction and acknowledging the grief associated with unfulfilled expectations can be a significant part of the healing journey. Grieving is not a linear process; it is an ongoing journey marked by waves of emotions that may resurface unexpectedly. It’s important for adult children who choose to go no contact with an alcoholic parent to recognise that healing is a gradual process, and again, seeking ongoing support is a crucial component of maintaining emotional well-being and moving forward.
Additionally, grieving involves acceptance, a challenging concept when it comes to the parent-child relationship. Adult children must grapple with the reality that their parent may never overcome their addiction and may never be the person they so desperately wished for. Of course, acceptance does not equate to approval or endorsement of the parent’s destructive behaviour but rather acknowledging the limitations and setting realistic expectations.
Grieving the parent you never had is a painful, delicate and intricate process that may require professional support. Therapists or counsellors experienced in addiction, estrangement and family dynamics can provide a safe space for individuals to explore their emotions, navigate the complexities of grief, and develop coping mechanisms. Support groups with individuals who share similar experiences can also be invaluable in fostering a sense of community and understanding.
Moving Forward
Cutting contact with an alcoholic parent is not just about leaving behind a difficult relationship. This process requires time, patience, and often the support of therapists or support groups to navigate successfully. It can be a courageous and complex journey fraught with emotional hurdles. It involves breaking free from the fear of judgement, navigating a rollercoaster of conflicting emotions, and establishing healthy boundaries. While the decision is undoubtedly challenging, it often marks the beginning of a transformative process of self-discovery, healing, and reclaiming one’s life. It is a journey that often requires support, understanding, and above all, the recognition that prioritising one’s well-being is not an act of selfishness but a crucial step towards personal growth and healing.
