Dr Sam Barcham Welcome to the first blog post on the Family Estrangements website!
In my personal and professional experience, I have found there to be a considerable lack of support available for adult children who are estranged from their parent(s). I speak from personal experience having been previously estranged from my mother for over 10 years and as a professional Chartered Psychologist and psychotherapist. Even with the growing awareness of estrangement as an issue that affects many more families than previously recognised, the focus appears to be on resources for parents with rather limited support for adult children. I hope to address this gap by creating a space that is specifically aimed at supporting adult children through the distress of estrangement and the different challenges they may face concerning their parents.
Discontinuing or reducing contact with a parent is certainly not taking the easy path and is often weighted with a mixture of complex and contradictory feelings. There is also the turmoil of coming to terms with going it alone, potentially without the kind of parental support, be that emotional or financial, that may be afforded to those around you. Naturally, we are influenced by societal conceptions regarding the significance of family relationships, particularly when it comes to our parents. Estrangement is accompanied by the potential shame and stigma associated with the breakdown of the relationship between a parent and child. Within society, estranging from a parent can be experienced as a violation of ideals concerning the togetherness and enduring nature of family. These positions intensify for adult children when it is a question of ageing parents or if grandchildren are in the frame.
The experience or fear of being judged is one of the main barriers when it comes to seeking support. It could be that others would not understand their situation, may possibly judge their ability to maintain meaningful relationships or regard them with disapproval if they were the one who cut contact. The fear of rejection and disapproval can act as a powerful deterrent to revealing one’s estrangement status and so many will conceal this aspect of their lives. For those who have sought support from friends and professionals alike, many received well-meaning but unhelpful advice because it was rooted in a lack of understanding about estrangement. Such responses can lead to a withdrawal from discussing this aspect of their life with immediate social and wider support networks. Consequently, many who are estranged find themselves confronted with painful and distressing feelings on their own. Individuals can quickly become isolated, devoid of places where they can seek emotional and practical support.
I hope this can be a place where adult children and those who are supporting an adult child affected by estrangement from a parent can find resources and information to help them move forward with their life in the best way possible. Parent-child estrangement is a growing concern and needs to be given a voice. The topics discussed here are informed as much as possible by the research available on estrangement, in conjunction with my personal experience, professional knowledge and expertise working with estranged clients in my clinical practice. I believe being able to talk openly about estrangement is fundamental to overcoming the stigma and shame to heal. Estrangement is a profoundly complex issue with deep relational origins and as such, it needs to be met with sensitivity and compassion. This is at the core of what I strive to offer here.
I would love to hear about the topics that are important to you that you would like to give voice to here, so please get in touch and share the things you would like to see covered here as an adult child estranged from a parent.
Warmly,
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